A reflection on desirability, self-worth, and the stories we tell ourselves.
It Was Never Really About Love Island
I was watching Love Island recently and there was a scene where a couple was chosen to spend the night in the hideaway.
As the guy was getting ready for an intimate night with his partner, I felt something stir in me.
Anxiety.
And almost immediately, a thought crossed my mind:
I could never do this.
Not because I don’t enjoy intimacy. Not because I don’t desire connection. But because the idea of preparing myself for a sexual experience in that way brought up an astonishing amount of insecurity.
I started asking myself why.
The Stories We Learn About Ourselves
The answer didn’t come immediately.
Instead, it led me down a rabbit hole of memories, experiences, and old stories I’ve carried about myself.
I realized this wasn’t really about Love Island.
It was about desirability.
And if I’m being honest, it was also about being chosen.
Because for a long time, I don’t think my greatest fear was that people wouldn’t find me attractive.
I think my fear was that people wouldn’t choose me.
Or if they did choose me, they wouldn’t keep choosing me.
The more I sat with that feeling, the more I realized my anxiety wasn’t about intimacy itself. It was about being seen. Being desired. Being perceived.
Because if I’m honest, there have been parts of my life where I’ve struggled to believe that I could be someone’s first choice.
That realization didn’t begin in adulthood. It began much earlier.
Growing up in a bigger body changes the way you experience the world. Sometimes subtly and sometimes painfully. You become hyperaware of your body, how you take up space, and whether people find you attractive.
Then life happens.
Rejection happens.
Heartbreak happens.
Trauma happens.
And before you know it, you start building stories about yourself.
The Stories I Learned
- I’m not desirable enough.
- I have to prove myself to be loved.
- If someone wants me, I should be grateful.
- I have to earn being chosen.
- People don’t stay.
- If someone really knew me, they wouldn’t pick me.
The thing about these stories is that after carrying them long enough, they stop feeling like stories.
They start feeling like truth.
The Boy Who Wanted to Be Chosen
I think that’s why being desired means so much to me.
Not because I need constant validation.
But because there is something deeply healing about being looked at by someone and feeling:
I choose you.
I want you.
I see you.
I think all of us, in some way, are looking for that.
Not necessarily to be wanted by everyone.
But to experience what it feels like to be fully seen and intentionally chosen.
Feeling Desired and Feeling Safe
I’ve realized that feeling desired and feeling safe dramatically changes my capacity to explore and express myself.
In some relationships and experiences, I feel sexually liberated.
I feel curious.
I feel playful.
I feel comfortable in my body.
In other spaces, I feel pressure.
Pressure to perform.
Pressure to get it right.
Pressure to prove something.
Pressure to embody some version of masculinity or desirability that I may have never consciously chosen for myself.
And underneath all of that pressure is usually a much younger fear:
If I don’t get this right, I won’t be wanted.
If I don’t get this right, I won’t be chosen.
Desired vs. Chosen
I’ve learned that being desired and being chosen aren’t always the same thing.
You can be wanted and still feel unseen.
You can be loved and still question whether someone would pick you.
You can receive compliments and still wonder if someone truly desires you.
For a long time, I thought I wanted to feel attractive.
But what I really wanted was to feel chosen.
To feel like someone looked at all of me—my body, my flaws, my insecurities, my softness—and said:
“I pick you.”
“I want you.”
“I choose you intentionally.”
I think that’s a different kind of healing.
Rewriting the Story
Lately, I’ve been trying to approach these questions with curiosity instead of judgment.
Instead of asking:
What’s wrong with me?
I’m trying to ask:
What happened to me that made this feel true?
Instead of asking:
Why don’t I feel desirable?
I’m asking:
What helps me feel seen, wanted, and safe?
Instead of asking:
Who am I supposed to be?
I’m asking:
Who do I become when I no longer have to earn being chosen?
The truth is, I don’t have neat answers.
I still have insecurities.
I still question myself.
I still have moments where old stories creep in and make me doubt my worth.
But I also have moments where I feel beautiful.
Moments where I feel sexy.
Moments where I feel deeply desired.
Moments where I catch myself looking in the mirror and think:
There you are.
Choosing Myself
I think that’s what this journey is for me.
Not arriving at some perfect place of self-love where insecurity no longer exists.
But learning to hold both things at once:
The younger version of me who questioned whether he would ever be chosen.
And the person I’m becoming, who is slowly learning that being chosen by others starts with choosing himself.
Maybe healing isn’t the absence of insecurity.
Maybe it’s the willingness to question the stories we’ve inherited about ourselves and choose, over and over again, to write new ones.
Maybe this journey of self-love doesn’t have a finish line.
Maybe it’s an ongoing practice of meeting ourselves with compassion, challenging old narratives, and allowing ourselves to believe new things are possible.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ve been worthy of being chosen all along.
“Maybe healing isn’t finally becoming someone desirable.
Maybe it’s realizing that the boy who wanted to be chosen was worthy of being chosen all along.”
Reflection
What stories about yourself have you mistaken for truth?
And what if the version of you that wanted to be chosen was already worthy all along?
Changing Perspectives 
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