In my journey towards marriage, I found myself grappling with deeply ingrained societal and religious norms, questioning traditional views on commitment, and ultimately redefining my understanding of partnership. As I reflect on this decision, I delve into the complexities of navigating my conflicting beliefs and evolving perspectives, shedding light on the transformative process of redefining commitment in the context of societal and religious expectations.

Personal Insights

Growing up in a deeply religious society, I had internalised the belief that marriage was not only an essential milestone but also a divine mandate ordained by God. However, as I matured and began questioning the rigid gender roles and expectations imposed by these beliefs, I encountered a significant internal conflict.

“Cognitive dissonance is described as the mental discomfort people feel when their beliefs and actions are inconsistent and contradictory, ultimately encouraging some change to align better and reduce this dissonance.“

I struggled to reconcile my evolving perspectives with the deeply ingrained beliefs that had shaped my worldview. Despite my doubts, fear and guilt prevented me from openly questioning these beliefs, creating a sense of unease and apprehension. I can vividly recall a moment of introspection during my late teens when I found myself at odds with the teachings of my upbringing. While the Proverbs 18:22 verse echoed in my mind, emphasising the importance of finding a wife as a path to divine favor, I couldn’t shake the discomfort I felt with the notion of women being relegated to submissive roles within marriage. As I watched women in my community exhibit leadership and strength, I grappled with the disparity between these real-life examples and the idealized image of marital dynamics I had been taught to uphold.

This internal turmoil was further exacerbated by the hypocrisy I witnessed within my own family. Despite professing faith and adherence to religious principles, I observed instances of infidelity and disrespect towards women among men in my life, i.e. my father, brothers and family friends. I realized as an adult, how these experiences left a profound impact on me, which fuelled my determination to forge a different path and challenging the very foundations of the beliefs I had been raised with. It made me question the very teachings that supposedly guided our actions.

As I navigated this cognitive dissonance, I found myself embarking on a journey of self-discovery and introspection. I questioned the validity of traditional views on many things and marriage and commitment was one of them. In many religious societies, it is taught that questioning biblical principles rules was akin to questioning God Himself. This created a sense of fear and guilt anytime I had doubts. Further, particularly within Christianity, traditional views on marriage and gender roles are deeply ingrained. You know, where husbands (men) are deemed the head of the household and wives (women) are deemed the submissive helpmate. It was imperative that once you became an adult, one of your many quests was to be married, and have kids, “Be fruitful and multiply“. Back then, it seemed easier to accept things as they were, rather than risk the “wrath of God.” This belief system essentially was the foundation of why I initially pursued marriage.

Purity Culture & Patriarchy Observations

Another thing I strongly believed in was purity culture—essentially saving yourself sexually until marriage. I spent most of my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood clinging to this belief. I judged my family, friends and acquaintances harshly for engaging in premarital sex. I remember a close friend confiding in me about their first sexual experience, and instead of supporting them, I distanced myself, thinking I was morally superior. Now that I think about it, LOL, perhaps I was jealous because nobody wanted to have sex with me? Was I projecting? LOL, no, but I really believed that to my core. My commitment to purity culture and the desire to be different from the negative examples I observed in my family further solidified my belief that marriage was the right path.

Further, I always judged my father, brothers, male friends, acquaintances—shit, the whole gender—because with that perspective, I saw them treating women awfully and ungodly. To add, my mother also brought me up to always respect women, be gentle with them, care for them, and respect them. So, for me, I thought these men were animals. Most of them still are today if you ask me, but my thoughts about the reason for this behavior are different now compared to back then, but that’s another story.

Throughout my formative years, I carried these thoughts with me. I promised myself to be “pure” before marriage and that I would be the type of husband who would listen to his wife, always be honest and transparent with her, be faithful because cheating was disgusting and foul, and be her protector. To be a man that she can depend on and rely on, and she’ll be submissive to me. I definitely failed the former, and the latter is more of a continuous action to manage.

I also was taught to believe that a husband must be the protector, provider and leader while the wife remains submissive and a “help mate”. This perpetuates a power imbalance and I personally believe that this is grounded in patriarchal bullshit. I realized for myself thats ideology does not promote partnership but instead, it’s about control and fulfilling societal roles. I started to see how these beliefs weren’t truly about caring for my future partner but about asserting dominance. This realisation was both liberating and terrifying, as it meant dismantling almost everything I thought I knew about relationships and rebuilding my understanding from the ground up.

“As I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and introspection, I began to challenge the traditional views on marriage that had been imposed upon me. Dialogues with my partner and deep introspection prompted me to reconsider the meaning of commitment and partnership. I realized that true commitment transcends societal expectations and religious mandates, encompassing honesty, mutual respect, and unwavering support.“

So this led me to the following questions….

What does commitment mean?

“A promise to do or give something, to be loyal to someone or something, the attitude of someone who works or supports something.“

What is marriage?

“The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.”

Covenant of marriage is a God-ordained, covenant relationship between a man and a woman that will last for the rest of their lives.

Here lies three definitions: commitment, marriage, and covenant of marriage. 1)The first one speaks to an action, devotion, something that is attainable. 2)The second mentions the acknowledgment of some agreement between two people that they joined their lives together. 3)Lastly, it speaks to acknowledging God’s ordination of a relationship between two people that is supposed to last until both die.

I sat with these definitions and processed my thoughts and feelings surrounding them. I recognized that marriage itself isn’t something that is action-based; it isn’t something that is attainable. It’s just what it is, nothing more or nothing less. If you want to add razzle-dazzle, you can say it’s a covenant that is God-ordained, but that’s it a shell.

Why did I get married?

Considering what I discussed already, I had valid concerns the day I said I Do, but why did I go through with it? There are many reasons:

Societal and Religious Expectations Although my perspective was changing and had already changed in some regard, I still believed that it was what I was supposed to do because I was a Christian. I found a good thing, so I had to make her my wife.

Desire for Commitment: Despite my doubts, I really believed that I was doing the right thing. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my partner; they was (and still is) my person, and this ritual meant forever.

Pressure and Fear of Change: I fell to societal pressures and, in some weird twisted way, wanted to prove something; what it was, I don’t know. Additionally, I was too afraid and lazy to say that perhaps my perspective on this had changed. I wasn’t sure if this was something I wanted to do. I’m not sure if I believed in marriage, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married. And to put it selfishly, I didn’t want her to leave me while I figured all of this out.

…So Are You Still Married?

After being married for quite some time, my partner and I had many conversations about our relationship, where we want to be, where we want to go, and overall communication to maintain our health in our relationship. The idea of marriage was one that came up. These conversations with my partner were some of the most challenging yet rewarding discussions we’ve ever had. We had to unpack years of ingrained beliefs and confront our deepest fears and desires. I remember one particular evening, sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine between us, and I finally opened up about my doubts regarding marriage. I told them, “I don’t believe in marriage the way we were taught. I think it’s just a societal construct that doesn’t necessarily reflect true commitment.” I also shared that the idea of working on a “marriage” (label) seemed so performative, as if we were in a role in some movie or script. Their initial reaction was a mix of shock and confusion. We spent hours talking about our childhood experiences, the marriages we witnessed growing up, and our personal aspirations. Through these discussions, we realized that our commitment to each other was stronger than any societal label. We wanted to work towards commitment to each other—something measurable, attainable, and tangible. We began to forge a new understanding of our commitment and coined the name life partners.

Life Partner is someone you plan to share a life a with

So if you didn’t get it by now, the answer is yes, we’re still married (in the sense of the law). We have a mutual understanding of the benefits of marriage in this day and age—for legal reasons only. However, as it relates to our religious beliefs and “God’s covenant”… well, that’s an ongoing conversation—one that we navigate together with honesty and openness.

Conclusion

Reflecting on my journey, it’s clear that my decision to get married was shaped by a complex interplay of societal expectations, religious beliefs, personal vows, and evolving perspectives. Growing up in a religious society, the pressure to conform to the Proverbs 18:22 ideal and the fear of questioning established norms made marriage seem like an essential milestone. Despite internal conflicts and doubts, these societal and religious expectations created a framework in which marriage was viewed as a crucial and inevitable step.

Purity culture reinforced the belief that saving oneself for marriage was morally superior, which further solidified my view that marriage was necessary for a legitimate and moral relationship. Observing the hypocrisy in my family made me determined to be a different kind of husband, motivating me to pursue marriage as a way to correct these perceived wrongs. The cognitive dissonance I experienced, while challenging, did not immediately deter me from getting married. Instead, it underscored the complexity of my decision, driven by lingering societal pressures, fear of change, and a genuine desire to build a committed relationship.

However, if I had the choice to reconsider marriage without the weight of these societal and religious expectations, I probably wouldn’t have pursued it unless I see the benefit. This realization came from understanding that true commitment doesn’t necessarily require a traditional marriage; rather, it can be about choosing each other every day and building a partnership based on mutual respect and love.

Ultimately, redefining our relationship as a life partnership allowed us to strip away the expectations and pressures imposed by society and religion. This journey brought us closer, as we realized that true commitment is not about following a script but about choosing each other every day. As we continue to navigate our lives together, we remain open to growth and change, knowing that our partnership is built on a foundation of honesty, mutual respect, and unwavering support. Our ongoing conversations about the religious aspects of our union reflect our commitment to approaching our relationship with the same honesty and openness that now defines it.