As I reflect on my my life, even to this day, I struggle with the theme of belongingness as this stands out as a pivotal aspect of my lived experiences. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs helps me frame this exploration, which highlights the innate human desire for connection. Through my own experience of family dynamics, resilience, and self-discovery, I share my journey on the my pursuit of belongingness and fulfillment.

Where it started

Growing up, my family dynamic was unlike that of my siblings’. While they had the luxury of knowing their paternal extended family—cousins, aunts, and grandparents—I was left with just my mother and them. The absence of a paternal side to my family meant missing out on experiences like holiday gatherings, summer breaks spent with relatives, or even simple visits for the night.

This disparity in familial connections left me feeling outcasted, unrelatable, and rejected. I longed for the warmth and love that seemed to come so effortlessly to my siblings, yet it remained elusive to me. To compound matters, comments about my appearance, comparisons to my lighter-skinned siblings, and feelings of being less desirable became all too familiar. It was as if my outward appearance served as a constant reminder of my perceived differences and the barriers they created to my sense of belonging. I always felt like the odd one out in my family.

How it evolved

I think it’s safe to say that our fathers’ absence cast a long shadow over our lives. Speaking for myself, for years, I convinced myself that my father’s absence didn’t affect me. I was so cool with his absence, ice ain’t had nothing on me. But I came to realize that the absence of my dad added to and deeply impacted my sense of acceptability and belonging. I believe that without him being in my life, I struggled to understand my place in the world, which led to feelings of emptiness and inadequacy. His absence, along with traumatic childhood events, heavily affected my relationships with other men – will address in another post.

However, our mother, my pillar of strength, did her best to fill the void left by our respective fathers’ absence. Yet, her absence due to work and the strain of single parenthood left us without the support and guidance we so desperately needed. We were lost in a maze of uncertainty, holding onto each other for support while simultaneously pushing one another away.

Within the walls of our home, toxicity thrived, fueled by the constant need for validation and approval. Sibling relationships were fraught with competition, each of us vying for the attention and affection of our oldest brother. Our interactions were tinged with sarcasm and ridicule, reflecting the dysfunctional dynamics that permeated our family unit.

How it manifested itself

In this environment, I struggled to find my voice, to assert my identity amidst the chaos. My directness and candor clashed with societal norms, earning me labels of “rude” and “disrespectful”. It was a constant battle to reconcile my authentic self with the expectations placed upon me, a tightrope walk between staying true to myself and conforming to the expectations of others.

School offered little breathing space from the turmoil of home life, instead serving as a battleground where I fought to carve out a space for myself amidst the cliques and social hierarchies. I longed to find my tribe, a group of friends who accepted me for who I was, flaws and all. But try as I might, I always felt like an outsider looking in, never quite fitting in with any particular group.

Despite my longing for genuine connections, for friendships built on authenticity and understanding, I found myself perpetually on the outskirts, looking in. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t break through the barriers that kept me at arm’s length from others. The fear of rejection loomed large, a constant companion in my quest for belonging.

Resilience and Personal Discovery

Perhaps the most profound struggle I faced was reconciling my innate desire to help others with the harsh reality of being taken advantage of. From a young age, I found solace in supporting those around me, offering a listening ear and a helping hand whenever it was needed. But all too often, my generosity was met with indifference or exploitation. It was a bitter pill to swallow, realizing that the same kindness and compassion I extended to others was rarely reciprocated.

Despite the disappointments and disillusionments I faced, I made a conscious decision not to let them harden my heart. Instead, I chose to continue extending kindness and compassion to those around me. I realized that true generosity stems from a place of abundance, not expectation.

The Quest for Acceptance & Self-Discovery

As I journeyed through life, it wasn’t until later that I began to delve into the depths of my past. Through introspection, therapy and self-discovery, I started peeling back the layers of trauma and insecurity that had tightly bound me for so long. This process was pivotal in my healing journey. I finally acknowledged the profound impact of my upbringing, including the absence of paternal figures that cast a shadow over my sense of self-worth and belonging.

Confronting the toxic dynamics within my family was not easy. It demanded that I confront uncomfortable truths and challenge deeply ingrained beliefs about family dynamics. However, this process of coming to terms with our family’s dysfunction was essential for my growth. It allowed me to break free from the chains of the past, paving the way for a future rooted in authenticity and self-love.

Before meeting my life-partner, I grappled with a lack of self-awareness and struggled with social cues, as I am inherently a logical and literal thinker. This, combined with the emotional void in my family life, created a significant barrier to understanding emotions and fostering thoughtfulness in my interactions.

However, meeting my life-partner marked a turning point in my journey. They provided me with the support and understanding I needed to navigate the complexities of human interaction. Through their guidance, I became more attuned to the impact of my words and actions on others.

Learning to embrace my authenticity and speak my truth unapologetically was a journey filled with challenges and setbacks. There were moments when I faltered, when the fear of rejection threatened to overwhelm me. But with each step forward, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders as I shed the layers of pretense and facade that had masked my true self for so long.

In this process, I discovered the power of vulnerability. Opening myself up to the possibility of rejection and ridicule was daunting, but I chose to stand tall in my authenticity nonetheless. It was a revelation, realizing that true belonging could only be found when I embraced the entirety of who I was, flaws and all.

Mind you, this journey was not without its struggles. Confronting the demons that lurked in the darkest corners of my psyche was painful, but ultimately liberating. I freed myself from the chains that had held me captive for so long, paving the way for a future filled with authenticity, self-love, and belonging.

Conclusion

Today, as I reflect on my journey, I am filled with gratitude for the lessons learned and the growth achieved. I no longer seek validation from external sources, knowing that my worth lies not in the opinions of others, but in the depth of my own self-love and acceptance.

To those who find themselves on a similar journey of self-discovery, I offer these words of encouragement: Embrace your authenticity, for it is the truest expression of who you are. Trust in the power of vulnerability, for it is through our cracks that the light shines brightest. And above all, know that you are not alone, that there are others who walk this path beside you, ready to offer support and solidarity.

My journey is ongoing, and I embrace it with open arms, knowing that each step forward brings me closer to a life filled with authenticity, purpose, and belonging. And to all those who have shared in this journey with me, whether in person or through these words, I extend my deepest gratitude. Together, we are stronger, braver, and more resilient than we could ever be alone.

So here’s to embracing our truths, to navigating the complexities of life with grace and resilience, and to finding solace in the knowledge that we are never truly alone on this journey called life.