What is Grief?

Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.

Understanding Grief Beyond Death

Growing up, I always thought that to grieve someone, they had to die. Luckily for me, for most of my life up until a month ago, I never really experienced a death that was significantly close to me.

So this concept of grief was foreign, like I thought I knew what it was, the feeling, the distress of it all through watching friends and other people grieve. Also, I am always awkward when someone I’m close with loses someone through death, like how to support them, what to say, what not to say, do you want a hug, I really don’t want to say the wrong thing.

As I got older, I realized that grieving someone doesn’t always have to be through death, but you can grieve relationships even when the person is still alive.

Discovering Grief in Unexpected Places

Last year was pretty rough on my mental health – I definitely need to find a therapist and return to therapy. I lost a lot and gained some things. One of my major losses was friendship. It was not just a fly by night friendship, but that person was my best friend for almost a decade.

A Social Media Mystery

Waking up one day to find yourself suddenly blocked on every social media platform by your closest friend feels like a plot twist straight out of a drama series. Yet, it’s a real-life scenario I found myself in not too long ago.

Picture this: scrolling through Instagram, I noticed something peculiar – the absence of my best friend’s daily doses of motivational posts.

At first, I brushed it off, chalking it up to the ebb and flow of social media engagement. But as days turned into weeks, and the notifications from my business page, which followed them, continued to pop up while my personal page remained silent, a seed of unease planted itself in my mind.

“Why am I only receiving updates through my business account and not my personal one?”

I pondered, a nagging sense of curiosity gnawing at me. With a few swift taps, I attempted to locate their profile on Instagram, only to be met with the dreaded message:

“No user found.”

That’s when the alarm bells truly began to ring. Perhaps they were taking a hiatus from social media, I reasoned with myself, grasping at straws to rationalize this occurrence. Yet, a quick search on Facebook yielded the same result –

“No user found.“

And when WhatsApp failed to display their profile picture, the truth became painfully clear: I had been blocked.

Navigating through a maze of confusion and disbelief, I reached out to other members of our cherished “quad squad,” only to discover that they, too, had fallen victim to the guillotine of our friendship.

As I grappled with the aftermath of this unexpected rupture, I couldn’t help but wonder: What had led to this abrupt disconnection? What unspoken grievances or misunderstandings had festered beneath the surface, invisible until they erupted in this drastic act of estrangement?

Recognizing Unspoken Shifts

Reflecting on this abrupt rupture, I recognized my role in our friendship’s unraveling. Despite our seemingly open communication, subtle shifts occurred, leading to an imbalance in our relationship.

I realized I had unknowingly mirrored their aloofness, possibly contributing to their decision to cut ties.

The Unequal Dynamic: Investing vs. Reciprocity

Somewhere along the way, subtle shifts in our dynamic had taken root, altering the fabric of our friendship. In hindsight, I realized that I had begun to change my behavior towards my friend, mirroring the same aloofness and detachment that probably may have prompted their decision to cut ties – who knows?

As I continued to grow, I acknowledged that our friendship had become one-sided. While I invested heavily in maintaining the connection, reciprocity was lacking. Realizing this, I made the decision to assert my worth and establish healthy boundaries.

Establishing Boundaries

In a moment of clarity, I made the decision to break free from the confines of this unequal dynamic. Recognizing the need for reciprocity and mutual respect, I resolved to mirror the same energy that was being directed towards me. It wasn’t an act of retaliation, but rather an assertion of my own worth and the boundaries necessary for healthy relationships to flourish.

Lingering Love and Unacted Upon Concerns

Processing these emotions took time. Initially, I grappled with thoughts of reaching out or wishing them well, despite no longer being friends. This kind of grief lingered, a testament to the enduring love I held for my old friend.

Eventually, I realized and made peace with the reality of the situation. What did this look like to me? Sometimes I find myself missing my friendship.

At first, I used to say to myself “I should reach out” or “I hope everything is okay with them” or “I hope they are happy and thriving”. All concerning thoughts and feelings that I endure but don’t act on them because I’m no longer their friend. With this kind of grief, the love doesn’t go away, it lingers on for months and even years.

“I truly want nothing but the best for my old friend, I hope they win and achieve every goal they set their mind to. They are deserving and hope they know that they are enough.“

Finding Solace in Uncomfortable Truths

However, I found solace in confronting uncomfortable truths about our friendship. Moving forward, I am committed to fostering relationships grounded in authenticity, reciprocity, and mutual respect.

Confronting Emotions and Processing Loss

One may ask, what do I do with all this information? How do I process my emotions and thoughts about this loss of a friendship? Honestly, I’m still navigating this grieving process, it’s a journey. I’m learning a lot about myself and my relationships with other people along the way. Navigating the grieving process remains a journey. What helped me was setting boundaries – recognize and honor your own needs by setting boundaries that protect your emotional health and well-being, focusing on self-growth – investing in activities that promote self-improvement and cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself.

Yet, through this crucible of grief and growth, I emerge stronger and more compassionate, making deliberate choices about the relationships I cultivate and leaning into self-love.

Helpful Tips

Take time to reflect on your past friendships and relationships, considering what lessons you’ve learned and how you’ve grown from these experiences. Use this opportunity for self-reflection to identify any patterns or dynamics that may need to be addressed in your current or future relationships.

Remember that while grieving the loss of a friendship can be painful, it is a natural part of life’s journey. Embrace the opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery that comes with navigating this difficult experience. Be patient with yourself and trust that healing is possible, even in the face of adversity. Above all, know that you are not alone, and support is available to help you through this challenging time.